ROMANTIC FICTION- I'VE NEVER THOUGHT LESS OF MYSELF OR FELT MORE LIKE TRASH!

By Chiude Nnajiofor

At the beginning of this year, I had a friend named James.  James and I would talk forever. We became so close that our feelings developed into more romance than just a friendship. We started dating, and one thing led to another. I often wondered how far was too far, but I had decided I could stop whenever I wanted to.

Whenever I was at James's house, we would always go to his bedroom to be alone. He had such a large family that his room was the only place we could talk. Innocently, we would sit on his bed. After we started dating, it was harder to just sit there with each other. Kissing came first, and we found it harder and harder to stop there. Even after we became involved in heavy petting, I still believed I could stop before we actually did it. After a few months of this, I found that I didn't want to stop. Then one night it happened—we had sex. It was worse than I could even imagine. I felt dirty and very separated from God. I hated myself for doing something I've grown up believing was so wrong. I had the guiltiest feeling I've ever had on that day.

James walked me to my car and asked me what was wrong. I burst into tears. I told him that I hated it. I never wanted to do it again. Then James told me that he loved me, and the weirdest thing was that I couldn't tell him I loved him back. I had no feelings for him anymore. We sat in front of his house for a long time. We both cried. We knew what we did together was wrong.

I didn't see James for three weeks because he was out of town. During that time I prayed about it, not knowing what else to do. While we were separated, I realized that I was pregnant for him. I went through misery the next 10 days, being away and knowing I was carrying James's child. I wasn't real sure, but I knew something was up. How was I going to explain this to Him? Then I began to scheme. I got excited and thought, "Sure, he'll want to get married." Finally I had him, and if not him, I had a part of him anyway. I wouldn't have an abortion—that was out of the question. I'd either marry him or run off and have the child myself.

Funny, how James controlled my mind. I told him one night after we had made love down in his basement. I thought since he was so in love with me, that now was the time to break the news. He really lost it—he got all defensive and said that there was no possible way he could marry me and that he didn't even want to. I got scared and told him I was just kidding. He breathed a sigh of relief but remained cold.

It was not too long after that I told him the truth and had the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor. James had stuck by his guns about not marrying me and said if I kept the child, we were through. At that point, I was helpless. I wanted more than anything to talk to my mum, but I could not hurt her with this kind of news.

Looking back now, I should have talked to her. James stuck by me long enough to make sure I had the operation. He called me every day or wrote and made me feel like he still cared. I went in that day by myself to do the one thing I was most against [abortion]. I talked to James that night, and then he took off. He stuck around long enough to make sure I got rid of the evidence, and then left me on my own.

I can't explain the feelings I have inside me now. I've never thought less of myself or felt more like trash. How could I have been so naive? I loved him, but he never knew the meaning of the word. I still have nightmares, and at times I hate myself. Abortion is much, much deeper than scraping of that uterus lining. It involves the destruction of one's whole being, the loss of any self-respect, and, the saddest of all, a guild-ridden existence.

  I realized that the relationship James and I had had been the total opposite. I learned what was right and reassessed my morals. I asked God for forgiveness and promise not to trust or have anything to do with any man again. I decided to start my life over again until I met Christian who taught me what true love is all about and our wedding is less than two weeks now and the relationship is embedded with respect and concern for ones emotions not the kind of relationship I had with James whose relationship almost caused me my life.